If Only
by CorporalLevisLittleLady
Summary: After the match against Inashiro, Miyuki and Sawamura can't help but blame themselves for the loss. But perhaps this dark time might bring them closer than they ever would have imagined. Oneshot, Miyuki x Sawamura, Kazuya x Eijun, Misawa, yaoi, rated T for language.


_If Only_

 _By: CorporalLevisLittleLady_

Disclaimer: I own nothing, including but not limited to Daiya no Ace.

 _A/N: In honor of Sawamura Week, here's a Misawa fic._

* * *

Worthless. Pathetic. Useless.

This is how Sawamura saw himself ever since that fateful pitch in the nationals against Inashiro. He had lost confidence not just as a pitcher, but as a member of the team as well. After all, it was his fault they lost the match, right? The third-years had worked so hard, only to fall short just because he couldn't do his job. If only he had ball control like Miyuki kept saying.

These thoughts clouded his mind as he drifted through his day. He would wake up, attend class, and go to practice. However, without his usual spirit, the days were just routine and nothing more. His classmates would try to engage him, but he would stare blankly forward or into his book as if no one was there.

At practice, no one bothered approaching him as he ran aimlessly until coach would call for practice to end. He never dared to pitch. He figured staying off the mound was the least he could do after the mess he caused. Occasionally Haruichi or Furuya would run with him, silently.

Every night, Kuramochi would try to convince him to hangout in Miyuki's room, but Sawamura would simply reply, "Maybe another time." Then roll over in his bunk and pretend to sleep.

This was how Sawamura passed his days.

* * *

Abject. Ineffective. Trash.

Though he would never let it be known, Miyuki couldn't stop comparing himself to these words. That pitch was the root of the problem. He was the catcher. It was his job to determine the best result for his pitcher, but he had failed. He should have sensed it sooner. He should have had Sawamura switched out earlier. It should have never gotten that far. If only he hadn't pushed the other boy so hard.

These thoughts began to constantly plague his mind after coach told him that he was chosen to be the new captain. How could he be captain when he caused the team to lose? After all, it was him who pushed Sawamura too hard and caused him to crack like he did. If he couldn't do his job as catcher and be able to support his pitcher, how could he ever be captain and support the whole team?

He was lost. He could see Sawamura was hurt, anyone could see that, but he had no idea what he could do to fix it. He had never been the comforting type, often his comforting coming off as either condescending or sarcastic. However, he was the captain now and he needed to take responsibility for what he had done.

He needed advice and he knew just the man.

* * *

Sawamura stared out the window at the diamond. It was a Sunday and Coach had said that he wouldn't be holding practice. But as said in the unwritten traditions of Seido, the team was out practicing on the diamond anyway. Well, not the whole team. Or at least team not the team Sawamura recognized. His team would never play again. He couldn't bring himself to say he was a member of the team after what he had done. So, Sawamura thought it best not practice with the team on the diamond.

He heard a soft knock at the door. He didn't bother to acknowledge assuming whoever would just walk in anyway. Haruichi walked in wearing his smile at the other boy. Sawamura continued to look out the window, giving no signs he noticed that the other had entered.

"Eijun, I know Coach said there isn't practice today, but we decided as a team we would practice anyway," the pink-haired stated.

Sawamura cringed a bit at the words "as a team" but he tried to not let it show. He knew what the boy was trying to say, however, he wasn't going to move until he was obligated to.

"I-I offered to come up and get you, if you want to come that is…"

Sawamura still said nothing.

"Miyuki thought you might want-"

"Fine," Sawamura interrupted. He quickly changed into his uniform and joined his teammate outside the dorm.

* * *

Miyuki knocked on the door with some hesitation. He rarely visited the student dorms since the baseball team had their own dorms. He held his breath as the door opened.

"Miyuki, what are you doing here?" Asked Yuki.

Yuki Tetsuya, the reliable former captain of the Seido Baseball Team. Being a third year, he was forced to move out of the baseball dorms with all the others. Now he and Isashiki Jun, former outfielder, lived together for their last semester in the regular dorms.

"I need to talk to you, and I didn't have a better time. Can I come in?" Miyuki replied.

Yuki nodded, "Jun is here, I hope that's fine."

Miyuki walked into the dorm surprised to find how small it was. The student dorms had to be half the size of the baseball dorms. Miyuki couldn't say he was looking forward to this in a year.

He sat on the floor as Yuki settled back on his bunk next to Jun. Yuki rested his hand on top of the other boy's hand as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Miyuki couldn't say he was surprised based on the boys' connection as he had witnessed first-hand, but the action left Miyuki speechless. It was such as simple action that said so much, but yet nothing needed to be said. It was beautiful, and Miyuki was at a loss for what he should do in response.

"I heard you are the new captain," Yuki broke the air.

Miyuki blinked to gain his composure and replied, "Yes, that's why I am here. I need your help with a certain matter. You see-"

"I had been thinking you would be the best choice," Yuki interjected. "You have always been able to keep looking forward and seeing the bigger picture, winning or losing. That is what this team needs most right now."

Miyuki started again, "But you know that-"

Yuki cut him off once more, "I can only guess what the particular issue has brought you to my dorm, but I cannot help you with that. What I can do is give you is give you some useful advice. First, I you need to understand that you are the captain."

"But Sawa-"

"So, as your former captain, I will tell you the most important job as the captain."

Miyuki was about to speak again, but he stopped.

Yuki looked away from Miyuki to look back at Jun. They held it for a just a moment, yet it seemed like they held an actual conversation. Miyuki had experienced a look like this before between himself and Sawamura at the Inashiro game, though he had only realized it now. Saying nothing Jun rose from the bed and walked out of the room.

After the door shut, Yuki continued, "The captain has an important role to play. Even when times are at the hardest, don't let it show on your face. If the captain is shaken, the team will waiver."*

Miyuki sat for a moment, processing what his former teammate had said. Then he rose, wearing his classic smirk, "Thank you Yuki, I understand now."

And with that he left, knowing just what he had to do now.

* * *

"Eijun, I know you don't want to, but Miyuki insisted!" Haruichi exclaimed, struggling to push the other toward the indoor practice field.

"I agreed to come, but I am not going to pi-" Sawamura replied, blandly.

"Sawamura."

Sawamura turned his heard as he heard his named called. He was in shock. Before him stood none other than Chris dressed and ready to catch.

"Chris…"

Sawamura felt his spirit rise. Chris had always been there to bring him up when he had fallen. Chris had helped him make first-string and had always been there to catch his pitches. Chris had taught him everything he knew about pitching, but he had let him down.

Sawamura fell from his high at his revelation. Chris had done so much for him, yet when it came time to apply what he had learned, he couldn't produce results. He failed him.

After a long moment, Chris said, "Sawamura, do you remember our first match against Yakushi?"

The boy nodded, not trusting his voice.

"Do you remember what I said to you in that match?" Asked the third year.

Sawamura stared, unsure.

"In baseball, there is an important thing to remember. What's more important than being hit is what happens after you're hit."**

Sawamura opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He hadn't really thought about what to do now. He had been focused on his failure, he couldn't think of a way to remedy the situation. He walked over to bucket of balls and pulled one out. He rolled it in between his fingers for a few moments. He looked back over at Chris and smiled.

Chris simply said, "Let's get to work."

* * *

Miyuki stood in a darkened corner of the room watching the battery practicing. Miyuki watched them for a few hours now. He smiled seeing Sawamura smiling a real smile instead of a forced façade. He had made a good choice, although he wanted to fix it himself. He felt a flame burn in him watching them. He wanted to be at the receiving end of that smile, not Chris. He knew for now, at least, he would have to accept it. If this is the price he has to pay for his mistake, he will accept his fate.

Miyuki noticed some new quirks the boy developed. The most prominent one was that he couldn't pitch to the inside. Miyuki had feared this, but still hoped it wouldn't happen. However, his pitches had been gaining speed as Sawamura began to gain confidence.

As much as Miyuki wanted to focus on the boy's pitching, he found that his eyes would drift south. He noticed his uniform seemed baggier than before. He deduced this was due to his loss of appetite. He had watched the boy in mess hall during meals. He had hardly eaten anything during each meal and with the amount of running he had been doing, he was probably skin and bones at this point. Miyuki had noted that his backside was unaffected by this change.

It was then that he realized he wasn't observing Sawamura, he was checking him out. When had he started doing that? Why was he doing that? Miyuki debated with himself on various reasons, finally deciding that it was just his job, he is captain after all. He was just evaluating a team member's health.

At this revelation, he decided he should call it a day, because he needed to reflect on his day. He moved out of his corner approaching the battery saying, "Alright you two, I think that's enough for today."

Sawamura turned and look at him. His eyes dimmed at the sight of Miyuki making his chest hurt. He knew the first year, but to make him revert back at the sight of him, really?

Miyuki shook it off, "Your pitches are looking good Sawamura. I think in a short while you will be pitching just like before."

Sawamura's eyes brightened a bit at his words, a small grin showing, "Thank you, Miyuki."

Miyuki walked up to the other and grabbed his hand, "It's late. You should head to bed. I expect you back in here tomorrow. Okay?"

Sawamura hid his face but nodded none the less.

Miyuki said his goodbyes to the pair and headed off to his dorm, feeling better about his decision.

* * *

Hot.

That's the only word Sawamura could think of right to describe what he just experienced. His hand felt warm since Miyuki had held it. It was if the other's heat couldn't escape from it. What's worse was that it seemed like that heat had moved all over. He just stared at his hand unsure of what just happened.

Sawamura visibly jumped when Chris said, "He's right you know. Your pitches got better in the short time we were practicing. If you keep it up, you will only improve."

"Yeah," replied the younger one, still confused about what had transpired.

"Well, I am going to head to bed. I will be here tomorrow, so don't be late. Good night, Sawamura," said Chris, walking out of the building.

Sawamura stared at the older male as he left. Was it just him, or did it seem like Chris knew something that he was missing?

This thought was interrupted when he realized that the heat had spread everywhere, leaving him in a very uncomfortable position.

"SHIT!" exclaimed Sawamura when he looked down. He had a lovely bulge poking the front of his pants. He then became utterly embarrassed realizing why Chris had so promptly left.

'I hate being a teenager,' he mentally scorned, 'well I hope Kuramochi is asleep, otherwise he'll never let me live this down.'

With his fate sealed, he headed back to his dorm.

* * *

Miyuki couldn't focus in class. I mean, he wasn't exactly an A+ student to begin with, but he could usually focus enough to pass all his classes with decent grades. But today, no matter how hard he tried, his thoughts kept drifting back to his troublesome first year pitcher.

During breakfast, it took all his will power not to stare at the other the entire meal. He focused instead on his food, not saying anything to his teammates as they chatted about various things.

He couldn't stop thinking about how he acted yesterday. He didn't realize it until he had returned to his dorm last night, but he had grabbed the other's hand without a thought. That and how he was eyeing him up last night gave Miyuki thoughts he didn't dare think about. He had always been strong in the face of emotions. In middle school, he had always evaded Mei's advances, keeping his focus on the game. He didn't need some relationship mucking up his battery. But somehow, these feelings had made their way in without Miyuki even noticing. Needless to say, he couldn't be pleased about it either.

At lunch, he decided he needed to do something to try and get himself under control. He decided that if he sent the other a text that would help him relax.

 _From: Miyuki_

 _Subject: Practice_

 _Hey, just wanted to tell you that you can head straight to practice with Chris. I will be around if you need me._

Miyuki took a deep breath after he sent it. He felt better and hoped that would suffice to allow him to focus. Of course, he wasn't ready for Sawamura's reply.

 _From: Sawamura_

 _Subject: Re: Practice_

 _Thank you, Miyuki._

It was a simple reply, but somehow it left a profound effect. Sawamura had never been a boy of a few words, but he had grown since that pitch. Miyuki decided it best to not reply and just leave it at that.

Miyuki smirked as the teacher walked in, 'This is going to be an interesting practice.'

* * *

Sawamura had been pitching with Chris when he saw Miyuki walk in. Although he had been putting in effort as he pitched, he tried to focus in harder. He didn't know why, but he felt he needed to impress Miyuki.

After a few pitches Miyuki approached him, "You're looking good. I don't know how much Chris has been telling you, but I can see you relax your shoulders."

Sawamura felt the older boy's hand on his shoulders rubbing slightly. He melted under the other's touch, feeling that familiar heat roll over him again.

'NOT NOW!' Sawamura screamed in his mind. He glanced back a Chris, who was smiling and rising from the ground.

"I am going to step out to get something to drink, do you want anything Sawamura?" asked Chris.

The youngest shook his head, closing his eyes.

"Very well, Miyuki, why don't you have him pitch to you and see what you think?" Chris said as he walked out of the room.

"That's just what I was thinking," Miyuki whispered into Sawamura's ear. Sawamura shuddered. He didn't quite understand what was happening, but he liked it.

Then suddenly Miyuki's heat was gone and his back went cold. He opened his eyes once more to see Miyuki squatting ready to catch. He swallowed and took a deep breath.

'Okay, don't mess this up. We can't let Miyuki down again,' he thought.

He relaxed his shoulders, turned, raised his leg, and threw with all he had.

"Nice pitch," Miyuki said, wearing his signature smirk. Sawamura could feel a smile grow on his face. He did it. He could finally throw a proper pitch to Miyuki again. Maybe he could really beat these yips after all.

A moment later Chris walked back in with two bottles of water, he gave one to Sawamura and walked over to Miyuki. They quietly conversed for a moment before, Miyuki started towards him. He leaned in close and whispered once more in his ear, "You should come to my room tonight and unwind. I expect you there."

And with that Miyuki walked away saying nothing else. Sawamura watched him walking away at a loss. He kept staring at the empty doorway after he left only snapping out of the trance when Chris said, "Okay, let's do thirty more pitches and call it day."

Sawamura turned back to the third year, nodded and got back to work.

* * *

Miyuki was sulking. He was lying on the top bunk in his dorm as Kuramochi and Zono were playing games on the floor. Haruichi and Furuya were sitting in the corner; Miyuki could have sworn they were cuddling at one point. But none of that mattered because the one person he wanted here was absent. Even though he had explicitly told Sawamura to come over, the room was distinctly Sawamura-less and he was getting irritated. Frustrated, he sent the younger boy a text.

 _From: Miyuki_

 _Subject: Are you coming?_

 _I thought I told you to come over? Where are you?_

Miyuki laid there annoyed until he felt he phone buzz.

 _From: Sawamura_

 _Subject: Re: Are you coming?_

 _I'm on my way, just finished showering after practicing with Chris. Be there in a few._

There was a mental image Miyuki liked, Sawamura showering. He could picture the hot water running down his smooth skin. The aroma of his soap as he scrubbed himself clean of the dirt and sweat from a long practice. The foam frothing on skin and then pooling on floor as his water rinsed him. He would love to run his hands down his back, just to see how soft his skin truly is.

"Hey everyone, sorry I'm late," Sawamura said as walked in the room.

Miyuki was now in a sticky situation. Although he enjoyed his private Sawamura steamy show in his mind, he was left in a place he didn't want to be. He needed to take care of his problem before anyone noticed, but he couldn't do in here. He needed to leave, but Sawamura just got here.

Then an idea came to him, "Hey, I'm gonna go to the vending machine. What does everyone want?"

The boys shot out their orders and Miyuki made a mental list. And as he was walking out, Sawamura said, "I'll come with you."

'Shit,' thought Miyuki.

Miyuki internally sighed and began to think of a new plan.

* * *

Sawamura stayed a few paces behind Miyuki as they walked. He didn't do this on purpose, but every time he tried to walk beside the other boy, he walked faster to stay ahead of him. After his third attempt, he just gave up.

Miyuki walked straight past the vending machine and stayed in the dark. Sawamura started getting the various items their friends asked for.

Sawamura decided to break the silence, "Are you upset with me, Miyuki? I didn't mean to be late."

"No-o, I'm not mad," Miyuki replied, his voice labored.

Sawamura turned toward the darkness try to look at the other, "Are you okay Miyuki? You don't sound well."

"I'm-m fine! I just remembered I left something in the dugout, I'm gonna go grab-b it, you can go back without me-e," said Miyuki. Sawamura heard hurried steps toward the field.

'That was weird,' thought Sawamura. He grabbed the food and drinks and headed back to the older boy's room.

* * *

 _Miyuki's POV excluded here. Check AO3 for this part._

* * *

Sawamura was lying on Miyuki's bunk. The catcher hadn't returned from retrieving whatever he had left and Sawamura wasn't in the mood to talk with the others. If it had been up to him, he wouldn't have come at all. But after Miyuki had been so insistent, he thought it would be rude to not come over. So, figured the safest way to ignore everyone would be to lay on the top bunk and wait for other's return.

He rolled over in the bunk and laid his face in the other's pillow. He took a deep breath. It smelled like Miyuki. Sawamura's heart began to race. He had never really smelled the boy until earlier today when he had been close.

He flipped back over to find Miyuki staring at him. Miyuki smirked and crawled up on the bunk and pulled out his phone. He typed something then laid phone back down.

Sawamura felt his phone vibrate.

 _From: Miyuki_

 _Subject: ?_

 _I would ask a question I am fairly certain I the answer already. But I will ask anyway, were you just sniffing my pillow?_

Miyuki smirked but said nothing.

Sawamura's face was on fire, "I WAS NOT!"

Suddenly all the noise in the room stopped. After a moment of silence, Miyuki said, "Don't worry everyone, Sawamura had just fallen asleep. Go back to whatever you were doing."

The noise resumed and Sawamura was thankful. Now he had Miyuki's undivided attention, not that he wanted it.

Miyuki scooted closer to Sawamura to whisper, "You have to be more careful, don't want to draw any attention do we?"

Sawamura shook his head.

"Good boy, so I will ask you this once and I want an answer, okay?" Miyuki asked.

Sawamura nodded.

"Why were you sniffing my pillow?"

Sawamura stiffened. He wanted to claim he wasn't but, he knew wasn't going to fool the boy. He sighed and answered honestly, "I don't know. I just flipped over trying to get comfortable and I just sorta did it. I guess I was lonely and some part of me said that would make me feel better…"

Sawamura felt his hand being grabbed and squeezed, "And did it? Are you lonely now?"

"Yes, it did. I am not as lonely now that you're here," said the younger boy.

The older one smirked once more, and said, "I'm glad."

His squeezed once more before he felt it released. The other crawled out of his bed and said, "Okay everyone, it's late and we have class early. Everybody out!"

Kuramochi mumbled something about hypocrite, but Sawamura couldn't hear what. After the others left he climbed down from the bunk to leave as well, but was stopped by Miyuki first.

"Come back tomorrow and we'll talk," Miyuki said.

Sawamura nodded and walked out the door, but he was grabbed once more only to feel a light pressure placed upon his forehead. The door closed, leaving Sawamura to stare at the closed door registering what happened. He then hurried back to his dorm, cheeks ablaze.

* * *

Miyuki walked down the halls, on top the world. He just had to make it through the day, and then he would be able to have the talk he needed to have. He strutted into class causing Kuromochi to stare. His vice-captain looked like he wanted to say something, but after a moment, he changed his mind.

Miyuki pulled out his phone and sent out a mass text.

 _From: Miyuki_

 _Subject: My room_

 _My room is closed tonight. I have a lot of homework to catch up on and I don't need any distractions._

Receiving no replies pleading with him, he put his phone away to attempt to pay attention.

* * *

Sawamura could have sworn that was the slowest school day he had ever attended. He spent the whole day watching the clock, wanting it to move faster to no avail. But he was free now, so he just needed to get through practice and then he would be with Miyuki.

He was both excited and terrified. He had never spent too long with Miyuki alone and he worried that he might ruin everything. Deep down, something told him it would workout…hopefully.

Sawamura was practicing with Chris again. As much as he wanted to pay attention, his thoughts kept slipping back to this evening. He tried to not let the thought interrupt his focus. He needed to get his pitch back not just for him but for Miyuki as well.

He pitched a strike, when he heard applause. Sawamura turned to see none other than the captain himself, "Alright, thank you for your help Chris. I want to assess the idiot's progress myself. I don't think I'll need you again; I want him to get back on a regular practice schedule. So, thank you and I hope you have a good semester."

Chris just smiled, "Yes, I am sure you want see his progress and take over. It was no problem, and if you need me to lend a hand, I'll be around."

Chris made his way toward Sawamura, this time speaking in a lower voice, "I wish you all the luck this season, Sawamura."

And then the third year left, turning back only once to look at Sawamura.

Sawamura simply blinked a few times in response, 'He did just wink at me?!'

Once Chris had rounded the corner out of sight, Sawamura felt a pair of arms encircle him. He felt Miyuki's breath on his neck, cause the boy to shudder involuntarily.

"Did I come off harsh?" Miyuki asked.

"Maybe a little, you seemed to be in a hurry more than harsh," replied Sawamura.

"Well, I couldn't stand watching you anymore. I don't like sharing, I never have and it definitely won't start with you," stated the second year. Sawamura started to squirm try to escape before the older male noticed his pounding heart.

Breaking free, he said, "Didn't you want to catch for me?"

Miyuki smirked, "What would you do if I said I didn't?"

Sawamura frowned, "I would be okay…I guess."

Miyuki moved in close again, "I had a better idea. Why don't we head off to eat a little earlier so we can be out of the mess hall before the other get there?"

Sawamura nodded, knowing there was no fighting the other boy. They quickly cleaned the ball up and ran to mess hall, determined to be done quickly.

* * *

Miyuki dragged the first year to his dorm. Although they had started eating quickly, he noticed the other one start to slow down. So, he forced him to eat faster and managed to still leave before the team made inside.

He quickly opened the door, throwing the other inside. He popped his head back out to make sure they weren't followed, then swiftly closed and locked the door.

Sawamura was sitting on the bottom bunk, rubbing his head, staring at the floor.

Miyuki sat down next him, "So."

"So…" replied the younger one.

Miyuki sat and gathered his thoughts. He didn't want to come out with some love confession and scare the other boy. But he also he didn't want to seem like he was just using the boy.

He felt conflicted on what to say, but steeled himself, "Okay, I asked you here tonight because we need to talk. It's obvious by your actions you have feelings for me that go deeper than just the battery. That being said, I ask you Sawamura, what do you intend to do about them?"

Sawamura fidgeted, saying nothing. Miyuki decided it best to let the boy be for a moment, he closed his eyes, trying to relax for a moment. However, this plan was brought to a halt when he felt the other's hand on top of his own.

He gawked, 'Just like Yuki and Jun.'

Miyuki smiled wickedly. He grabbed the other boy throwing him back on the bunk. That was the only sign he needed to feel justified in what was to come.

"Eijun."

"Kazuya."

Their lips connected. He could feel the other's breath as they met. It was awkward, but Kazuya wouldn't trade that moment for anything. Eijun's lips were chapped, but he didn't mind. He felt Eijun wrap his hands around his neck bringing their bodies closer. After another moment, Kazuya pulled back and look down.

Eijun breathing was labored, his face flushed. Kazuya rolled off the boy, grabbing his hand.

"Why didn't I realize my feelings sooner?" asked Eijun.

Kazuya laughed, "Yeah. If only."

If only.

* * *

*Chapter 230 - Yuki to Miyuki

**Chapter 110 - Chris to Sawamura

Well there it is! I really enjoyed writing it and keep an eye out for more Daiya no Ace fics in the future! Please **read and review!**


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